Okay, when last we left our whiny teenagers and wolf boys and the undead, Jacob had evilly (and awesomely) told Edward that Charlie was "planning a funeral" and Edward thought he meant Bella was dead, so he's angsting over to Europe to commit suicide by the Vamp equivalent of the mob. Alice and Bella are racing to save his pouty, glittery ass, and Jacob begged Bella to stay with him instead. She declined, but, as we all know, Bella's a bit of a bitch. All caught up? ON TO ITALY!
A yellow racecar goes zooming through the countryside as Edward approaches the Volturi. They don't want to kill him. He's too valuable. Why not join the Volturi instead? Nope, Sparklepants wants deaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaath.
Alice has a vision in the car that Edward got denied by the Volturi and is off to "make a scene" to the humans so he'll be outed and the Volturi will kill him. Alice looks adorable in sunglasses and a scarf. Bella bolts from the car to find Edward before it's too late. Everyone is in red robes to celebrate the fact that the vamps are gone from Italy, except not so much. It's a mob scene. Run Bella Run! Annnnnnnnnnd SLOW MOTION! DRINK! The clock strikes twelve. Eddie's in the shade, talking off his shirt. Drink. Here comes the sparklemotion! But no! Bella tackles him! She's alive! He's totally zoned out, and looks less undead than dopesick at this point. He looks like shit. She blabs about how it's okay for him to live without her. He lied, you idiot, so you would let him leave! FOR HER! He loves her. She's everything to him. I'm actively retching. They kiss, and I ponder if one or both of them has really bad breath, because they always look like they're in SO MUCH PAIN when they kiss.
Here comes the Volturi. They have words to have with Eddie. Alice comes too, because why not? She's the best character in the whole series. HILARIOUSLY, someone offers Sparklepants a BATHROBE, and it isn't supposed to be a bathrobe but it TOTALLY IS and it's IMPOSSIBLE to take him seriously in it. The minions bring Alice, Eddie, and Bella to the main Volturi. He's simpering and overly dramatic. But at least his wig is better. They yammer on about keeping humans as lovers and not food, blah blah Volturi blah, they can't read Bella's thoughts, just like Edward can't, so let's see if she's immune to all their powers. The little blonde does a pain curse on Eddie, who looks like he should be in Trainspotting, and Bella begs her to stop. The blonde tries the pain curse on Bella, and it doesn't work. Well, that will never do. She's a liability. She knows too much. She must be destroyed.
What follows is a fight scene that I cannot recap, or take seriously, because Glitterbritches is STILL WEARING THE BATHROBE and I simply cannot take a fight scene seriously when one of the fighters is in his jimjams.
Bella begs them to kill her to save Eddie. The head Volturi and Bella yammer on about the credibility of Edward's soul, and he comes to the conclusion that Bella has to at least be vamped. Alice intervenes, saying she had a vision that Bella becomes a vamp, and shares her vision with the Volturi. The vision, by the way, is of Sparklepants and Bella frolicking in the woods, not doing anything vampy at all, but whatever. Our intrepid heroes leave, Eddie still befrocked in his jimmyjams as a tourist group goes in to the Volturi. We end with screaming as the ugly Americans are chomped. Excellent.
Bella wakes up. Eddie's there, explaining that leaving her was the hardest thing he's done in 100 years, and that he'll never fail her again. Wait, here's Charlie. They're back in Forks? Charlie lectures Bella about vanishing for three days and don't ever do that again ever, and that she's grounded for the rest of her life, and aw, I love Charlie. He leaves.
Eddie isn't breaking Charlie's rule that he can't step foot inside the door, he used the window. Ha. Ha? Seriously, is RPatz incapable of talking above a monotone? Does Kristen Stewart need an Ex-Lax? This is not romantic, it's making me crampy.
Suddenly we're at the Cullens. Everyone votes to make Bella a vamp except Rosalie, who's a bitch and wouldn't have chosen this life for herself, so no, Bella can screw. Everyone else says yes. Eddie is TORTURED by this. He does NOT WANT THIS. No one cares, Glitterbritches.
Bella voiceovers that she'll wait to be turned till after graduation as they drive along in the product placed Volvo (drink) when shirtless Jacob steps in front of the car (driiiiiiiiiiiiiiink) and the two lads have a chat. They hate each other. We get it. Bite a human, the truce is over. Period. Jacob won't let her be turned. Bella "pleads" with Jacob not to make her choose, she loves him, but she'll always choose Edward. SNAP goes Jacob's heart. He wolfs out and tries to attack Ed. Bella says they'll do no such thing. Wolfie runs off. Bella looks mildly interested.
Ed takes this opportunity to say AGAIN that he doesn't want to change her, not until 5 years. Nope, says Bella, too long, she'll be "old." Three years? Nope. She's so stubborn, he grins. What is he WAITING for, she asks. He has one condition.
"Marry me, Bella."
AND THE FILM IS OVER. Poof, blackout. Um, I think they were going for "SHOCK AND AWE" here, but all we got was "Oh yeah, a Mormon write this." So...yeah. That's New Moon. It's actually not as awful the second time around, or maybe I was conditioned to it after the initial shock of how bad it was, but it was still ridiculous, all the kids do is whine, and piss, and moan, and look constipated, and Taylor Lautner was UNDERAGE when he had all those shirtless scenes, and Alice is the only awesome thing about the movie, and Eclipse will be WAY better cause it's a better story, New Moon is the weakest of the four books, but AMG, you guys. That was just...divinely terrible.
Thanks for playing along!
Kisses and bites,