And we're back! As always, this is the disclaimer that if you go beyond the jump, you are subjecting yourself to me subjecting MYself to New Moon, and I cannot take any responsibility for laughing fits, eye-rolling injuries, or suicidal ideations due to this movie. I am but a humble recapper. When last we left Bella and Captain Sparklebritches, Jasper Scissorhands tried to eat Bella (yay!) but Eddie stopped him (boo!) and Carlyle said that all vamps are damned, and Bella should ix-nay on the whole "getting vamped" idea, because it's stupid. On we bloodily stumble.
In Bella's truck, she snarks to Edward that there WILL come a day wherein he can't save her, and that she's just a fragile human blah blah blah. Someday he'll lose her, and the only solution is to change her into a vamp. Eddie nixes this. He thinks he has no soul, and he doesn't want her to lose hers. She's not buying it. They kiss, and it's full of PAIN and TORMENT and ANGST and BLUE BALLS but that's all we get because a Mormon wrote this tripe.
Bella puts together pictures in her scrapbook, and we montage to school, where the Cullens are no-shows. Eddie has, of course, broken into Bella's house again, because stalking is love, y'all, and found a picture of them looking schmoopy. Bella arrives home to find him brooding broodily in her yard. They go for a walk in the woods.
Edward drops the bomb. They're leaving Forks. They aren't aging, and people are starting to notice. Bella realizes that she's not going with them. They angst about the Jasper situation and he gets all "you don't belong with me, I don't want you to come with us" lies lies lies to make her hate him, and makes her promise to not do anything reckless and that he'll never come back and she can go on with her life, like he never existed. Sad music sads all over the place. Kristen Stewart's facial expression doesn't change throughout all of this. She is seriously the worst actress ever. Eddie takes off, Bella runs after him, but he's gone, baby, gone, so she collapses dramatically on the ground, which, ew, that's an excellent way to get a bug or a germ.
A creature finds Bella snoozing on the ground. It's a werewolf. Spoiler! Drink! We cut to a shirtless man (DRINK) carrying Bella out of the woods. Back where the nice, normal people live, Charlie and his crew are frantically trying to find Bella, and we learn that the Cullens have vanished, much to the delight of the First Nation/werewolf people.
Shirtless dude, or "Sam" and Jacob stare each other down as Bella is carried into the house. We now get a slow rotating shot of Bella starting out the window at the changing seasons, symbolizing that she has lost months of her life moping about Edward. It's a decent way of doing it, but in the book, Meyer used blank pages with just the name of the month that passed to show the passage of empty time in Bella's life. Much more effective.
Bella voiceovers emails to Alice, dripping angst and torment and blah all over the place. We cut to Bella's constant screaming night terrors, and poor Charlie trying to help her. Finally Charlie's all "YOU ARE DONE. You're going to live with your mother, he's not coming back, you're not normal, he's scared to death, go to Jacksonville and start over." Bella says no way, she doesn't want to leave Forks. Her friends (the ones she hates) are all there, in FACT, she's going shopping with them! She's fine! Just don't make her leave Forks. Charlie knows this is bullshit, but goes along with it anyway. She goes with Jessica to a zombie movie, and Jess chatters on about nothing as Bella spots some shady characters with motorcycles that remind her of the time in the first movie when Sparklebritches saved her from the big bad men. Then! Edward comes to her in a vision! Holy crap, this is done Velveeta-style cheesy. He warns her to stay away from the baddies, that he made her promise not to do anything dangerous, so of course, she does the exact opposite of what ghost-Eddie wants and wanders over to the ruffians with the motorcycles. Jessica, who is probably imagining her Oscar gown for "Up In The Air" as she does this scene, keeps nattering on about nothing.
Bella goes to say hi to the bikers as Ghost Eddie tells her to stop, turn around, don't do it. So she does it, of course, and finds some dude who looks like Phillip Seymour Hoffman to take her on the back of his bike. Wise choices, Bella! They zip off on the bike. Bella FINALLY realizes this is a bad idea and makes PSH stop. Jessica is freaking. Bella's suddenly an adrenaline junkie. THAT'S how she can see Eddie. If she's in danger, he'll come to her. This will end well.
So Bella brings Jacob's wig and biceps two old motorcycles, that they can fix together in a montage of rekindled friendship and Bella acting alive again and whatever, the wig is getting worse in every shot, I think the humidity isn't helping at all, that's for sure and anyway they fix up the bikes. Angstily. Bella turns off the radio, declaring that she doesn't like music anymore. Oh WHATever. Enter Will, and Embry, Jacob's "friends" who tease Jacob about his "girlfriend." Wacky banter.
Angst and the art of motorcycle maintenance continueth, as Bella voiceovers to Alice that she's feeling better, that Jake makes her better, SHE CAN ONLY FEEL COMPLETE WITH A MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN. But she's still having the screaming night terrors, despite Jacob's dream catcher. Charlie hopes that hanging with Jacob is helping her, and he TOTALLY wants them to date, PLEASE DATE JACOB. Listen to your daddy, Bella.
Truck. Jacob asks what the deal is with spending all their time together. He wants to get it ON. Not with that wig, Skipper. They notice Sam and "his cult" (Jacob's words) cliff diving. It's a rush? An ADRENALINE RUSH? Bella tucks this away for further thought. Jacob talks about how all his friends are changing, because of Sam. Bella says to stay the hell away from them.
More motorcycles. Bella zooms off as Ghost Eddie tells her to stop. She, of course, does the opposite, crashing into a boulder or something and falling down boom. Jacob tends to her by wiping the blood off her her head by taking off his shirt (DRINK) and using it to mop up the blood. Blood! That doesn't affect Jacob at all! Because he's not a vamp! This is Deep and Meaningful to Bella.
At school, Bella joins her "friends" for lunch for what appears to be the first time in months. She's actually talking as well, about the "bear" wreaking havoc in the woods. Blond dude with no game IMMEDIATELY asks her out to a romantic comedy, but Bella goes for blood and guts and adrenaline. It's her "thing." Oh lord. She invites everyone along, including Jacob, who stares down He With No Game, who tries to rag on Jacob's age. It doesn't work. Everyone bails on the movie except Bella, Jacob, and He With No Game, who gets physically ill at the blood and guts movie. Bella and Jacob mock him, justifiably. Jacob tries to hold Bella's hand and they have a horribly awkward convo about how he likes her, and that will ruin everything, and Bella is still waiting for Glitter Boy, but no worries, Jacob isn't going anywhere. He'll get some play, AW YEAH. Bella likens herself to a busted up car, and it's dumb. Jacob's wig promises Bella he'll never hurt her, so of course we know he will. He Of No Game ruins the moment, and Jacob suddenly gets roid rage and bolts.
Montage of voicemails from Bella to Jacob, who apparently has "mono" and is totes avoiding Bella. Charlie and his pal leave Bella alone for the day, and she immediately goes to Jacob's house, where he is outside, shirtless (drink!) in the rain (DRINK!) and has lost the wig AND gotten a tattoo (DRINK!!!!!!!!!!!) He looks HAWT. He tells her to go away. I tell myself to stop looking at him because ah mah gah, Taylor Lautner is only 18 years old, and I could go to the clink for looking at him like that. Bella wants to know what the HELL is going on. Did Sam and his cult get to him? Yoooooooooooou betcha. I seriously cannot believe how many scenes involve Jacob with his shirt off. If you're doing the drinking game, get 911 on speed dial, dudes.
Jacob yells at Bella that he KNOWS the Cullens are vamps, and that she lied to everyone but can't lie to him. They can't be friends anymore. It's not you, it's me. WHATever. He's not a good person anymore. He runs off to be with his wolfy (spoiler!) friends, saying that staying away from him is his way of protecting her. JUST LIKE EDWARD!
Alice email: Things are bad again. She doesn't see Edward anymore now that she's not doing stupid things, so dammit, she WILL FIND SOMETHING STUPID TO DO! She goes to the meadow of sparkly vamps and it's all brown and dead. Speaking of dead, it's Laurent, the dreadlocked evil vamp from the first movie! He approaches. Ghost Edward tells Bella to lie and say that the Cullens visit all the time, and Edward is really protective so he should back off. Laurent came to kill Bella for Victoria (YAY!) and says Bella's lucky, that Vicki likes playing with her food. Just as he's about to chomp Bella (WOOHOO LAURENT) here comes a CGI wolf. And another and another. They give chase. Laurent's all "SHIT" and bolts. Bella runs home and shrieks to Charlie and his fishing buddy that there are giant wolves in the woods. Fishing buddy is all "Um, sure, yeah, I'll get right on that, cause I don't know ANYTHING about werewolves except I totally do."
Bella's room. Tap tap on the window. It's Jacob, and he's shirtless. (Drink.) He hops into the second story window and apologizes, but can't tell her what's been going on. Has she ever had a secret that wasn't yours to share? She has no idea how deep into this shit he is. He reminds her of the walk they had in the first movie when he told her about the wolves and the vampires. She only remembers the vampire bit. Of course. She offers to run away with him, which causes SUPER WOLFY ANGST. Jacob bolts after hugging Bella with his MAGNIFICENT YOUNG BICEPS.
And with that, we continue in PART THREE.
