Inverse Candlelight

Ask Stewie Starring Stewie Part The This One!

O HAI EVERYBUDDY!!! It's time for asking Stewie all the questions in all the lands and the seas, YAY!!!!! I am sure we have a very very important question so let's get RIGHT TO IT!

Viewtiful_justin said...

Dear Stewie,

Does the water in the toilets in Australia REALLY spin the opposite way as the ones in America?

Stewie Say:

Oh Viewtiful Justin. Justin? Can Stewie call you Justin, Justin? Justin, Stewie ponder your question for long time, Justin. Stewie think and think and think. He Google! He look in book. He phone a friend and ask a neighbor for opinion. He write letter TO PRESIDENT OBAMA. He even call his granny. He do all these thing in order to answer your question, till he figure out is full of SCIENCE. Then he give up, cause Stewie has never been to Australia. So he don't know.

What Stewie know about is TOILET. Oh yes, Stewie know that a toilet is another water place! Just like STEWIE'S water place, only BIGGER and if you go to have a drink you get YELLED AT HAHAHAHHAHA! The toilet is also where Stewie stands to watch Mama dry her HAIR. Stewie like TIGHTROPE WALKER on big water place and one time Stewie fall IN OH NO!!!! Mama had to rescue him then Stewie scratch her and run away. That fixed it!

WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT???? Stewie don't know anymore. Did you ever get distracted? Happened to Stewie. Anyway BEE-YOU-TI-FUL JUSTIN, Stewie hope that answer your question. And if it doesn't? Stewie suggest you get ticket to Australia, get on plane, get off plane, go to potty in airport and flush toilet. Then you see yourself!

But Stewie think he just poop outside litter box in Australia. BUT MAYBE IN OPPOSITE DIRECTION!

HAHAHAHAHHAHAH!
LOVE, STEWIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ask Stewie Starring Stewie Part The Whatever!

Hellooooooooooo, everybuddy!!! IT'S STEWIE!!! It's that time again for me to tell you about everything there is to know about everything! Okay, so let's get to your question, cause today it's a GOOD ONE, cause it's all about STEWIE!!! HOORAY!!!!

nolfo said...

Stewie,

Do you ever get wound up or are you always so mellow? If you ever do freak out, where are the pics? Also, what is with the green olives, man?

HI Dr. Nolfo!!

Did you know that Dr. Nolfo is mama's friend outside the compooter? They went to skool together! Where they wore uniform and got skeered by nun! Anyway, now Nolfo DOCTOR Nolfo, and she teach college! SO SMART THAT NOLFO! But even more smart cause she ask about STEWIE.

Okay good, okay fine. Here answer. Stewie sometimes get REALLY WOUND UP OH BOY. Dis what you do when you Stewie and you get wound up like TOP.

• Poop on floor.
• Scratch around litterbox for LONG TIME till Mama say "WE GET IT, EVERYONE GETS IT, STOP STOP STOP you drive Mama to LUNATIC ASYLUM."
• Run!
• Run run run.
• Bonk into closet door.
• Bonk head repeatedly on closet door.
• Cryyyyyyyyy, cry cry at closet, cause inside? NARNIA. Also shoes to eat.
• Run!
• Bite Lulybelle.
• RUN MOAR!!!!
• Climb up on nightstand. Push everything off nightstand.
• RUN AWAY FROM ANGRY MAMA!!!!

See, Stewie get in lots of trouble sometimes. That why he need to nap so much! Okay, next part of question!

Why green olibes? WHY NOT, DAT WHAT STEWIE SAY! Mama thinks it cause of salt, but Stewie just love love loeb green olive, and he will BITE FINGER if he do not get one. Stewie mystery like dat.

OKAY PEEPLE! Ask Stewie over! DID YOU LOVE IT? Stewie know he did. Have good week, Mama back tomorrow! And remember, if you have any greeeeeeeeeeeeeeen olives, send them to Stewie, and he give you big stinky kisses.

And bites. LOVE BITES.

Ask Stewie Starring Stewie Part the Um...This One!

HELLOOOOOO HOOMAN BEANS! Dis the weekend, and so Stewie take time out of busy nap schedule to answer another question! Isn't it good of Stewie? That's because Stewie LOVE YOU OH BOY and is always here to help.

Speaking of help, Stewie LOVE answering cat questions, but you know what Lulu is good at? Answering HOOMAN questions, cause Lulee think she hooman, and maybe was a mean old queen in past life. Anyway, you have love life? You have job? You have PROBLEM with those? Stewie make Lulabelle answer dem. Just saying.

I roll my eyes at cat questions. I am the center of the universe, but if you humans have any questions, I shall tell you what to do. I am a giver. A giver of knowledge. Now leave me alone, assholes.

Oh dat LULASMELL!!!! Anyway, let's get to question.

Art of the Firebird said...

Dear Stewie,

What is the appropriate amount of sleep that we should be getting?
Also, what should we do with our human when she neglects to serve us our nightly wet food?

Sincerely,

Sarah, Donovan, and Mr. Boots

This EASY QUESTION! You get LOTS of sleeps, as much as possible, cause when you wake up and say "What shall I do with my wakey time?" You have lot of energy to do thing. Stewie recommend the following:

• Eat everything your Mama or Daddy own. Books and shoes are good.
• Eat all your foods. Scream and whine for more foods.
• Collapse VERY DRAMATICALLY in front of Mama and Daddy when they tell you "No food right now, Fatty Fatty 2x4, can't fit throo the litterbox door!"
• Barf definantly. No reason needed, just make yourself barf just cause.
• Eat more of Mama and Daddy's stuff. Stewie like the corners of beloved books.
• Be CUTE so you don't get launched by big slingshot into outer space by cranky hooman beans.

OKAY! Now that you know dat, Stewie answer second part. You get WET FOODS?!?!? Stewie and LulaSMEEEEEEEEEELL don't get dat!!! So Stewie think your Beans should read label, cause Stewie only get boring diet kibble. That's cause Mama is MEAN. Mean like SPIDER. So get Beans to read label. Or just scream and complain till you get moar, cause that's what Stewie would do if he got fancy wet foods.

OKAY! Answering done! Stewie has to smash his head into the closet door now. See you next weekend, and remember, STEWIE LOVE YOU!!!!!

Ask Stewie Starring Stewie Part The One Dat's Next!

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!! O HAI innernet!!! It's Saturday and dat mean time for ASK STEWIE! YAY!!!
Today we have very important question so LET'S GET TO IT, HAHAHAHAHHA!!!

Andi said...

Dear Stewie,
The peeps are calling me fat, but I'm just extra fluffy..how fat is too fat? Do I need to be on diet food. I want to live a long time and continue to wake my Mommy up every morning at 4:00 a.m. Have you been to the vet and are you on diet food?
Jessica (dictated to my mom, Andi@ www.misadventureswithandi.com)

OH JESSICA!!!!

First of all, Stewie want to say you have very very pretty name. You single? Are you on Schmokay Lupid? Cause Stewie think you and Stewie could be happy together.

Just saying.

ANYWAY! Dis a question about the fatness of cats. Dis question get asked aaaaaaall the times, so Stewie guess it important even though Stewie don't see problem. You see, sweet Jessica, STEWIE NOT FAT! And neither are you. Stewie BIG. Big like HOUSE! Brick house, hahahahaahaha!!!! But yes, Stewie on diet food, so is LULU, cause she something called RUBENESQUE and Stewie have NO idea what dat mean, but he suspects maybe it mean leeeeetle overweight cause Lulu get called pregnant all times, even though we FIXED. Dat mean we don't have any kitten parts, OH NOES! But seriously, spay. Nooter. Man on Price is Right tell you so.

WHAT STEWIE TALKING ABOUT??? O yeah. So what your hooman bean need to do is take you to VET, OH NOES! And say "Is this bee-you-ti-ful kittycat a touch overweight?" and then if Vet say "OMG YES" then you get diet food, make sure you run around lots, and then you get slim and trim.

But remember, Stewie love you JUST WAY YOU ARE.

Call Stewie, Jessica. We go get coffee together, and then poop on floor. ROMANTIC!!!!

PS: Wake up at 4 in morning? Stewie thing that GRAND. You keep doing dat.

LOVE STEWIE!!!!

Does dis look like fat cat to you? ANSWER IS NO!!!!

Ask Stewie Starring Stewie Part the Fourth!

HI EVERYBUDDY!!! It's time for another ASK STEWIE!!!! I don't know why the Mama use this picture, Stewie think Stewie look a little drunk. DRUNK ON KNOWLEDGE!!!! Okay, time for Stewie to school you hooman beans. Let's hit it!

gabrielle said...

What's up, Stewie!

My mama is so stoopid. She won't get up at dawn! What a lazybones! And then, when I veeeery gently leap on her face to wake her up, she gets mad! What's wrong with her? Why is she so stoopid?

Thanks, Dood!
Baker

p.s. Here's a stoopid picture my stoopid mama took of me and put on her stoopid blawg. Geez.

http://blog.nutellaisevil.net/2009/03/05/halp/

Dear Baker:

Okay, Stewie FEEL YOUR PAINS. Stewie have no idea why Mama won't get up with the sun and flowers and little bees, but STEWIE DO! Stewie do all his sleeps during day, so Stewie ready to go when sun come up too! Stewie sorry your mama so STOOPID. This what Stewie do to wake up Mama, cause Stewie SOOOOO SMART.

Stewie hop on bed, walk over Mama's head, and then STARE. Stare daggers at Mama, and say "WAKE UP MAMA, YOU MISS BEST PART OF DAY!!!" Then Mama say bad word and throw Stewie off bed. How rude! So Stewie then go to nightstand, chew a little on lampshade, and keep looking at Mama and say "MAMA! STEWIE CHOOWING ON LAMP!!! But Mama just throw Stewie down again, WHEE! So THEN, Stewie hop back up, and start knocking down things on nightstand, BLAM!!! Then Mama get REALLY mad, and kick gently nudge Stewie out door, and then, Baker, you know what happen?!?!?!?!?! This part SO SAD. Mama shut door! Without Stewie inside!!! So mean! So Stewie do only thing he can.

He barf on floor. You gotta do what you gotta do, right? Right.

So Stewie recommend you start defiantly barfing on floor, maybe on shoe? That good idea, you do dat. Mama get up RIGHT AWAY, YAY!!!

You very handsome cat, you now know what to do, so Stewie go take nap now, cause Mama has barf to clean up, AHAHAHAHAHAHHHA!!!!

That'll learn em. So go forth, Baker! Barf at will! Stewie give your permissions. And gold star for getting hooman beans up at dawn. That good time, right there.

LOVE STEWIE!!!!

The beatings start...NOW!

Ask Stewie Starring Stewie Part The Third!!!

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!! O HAI! It time for Ask Stewie Starring Stewie! You better listen to Stewie, okay? Okay good, okay fine, HERE WE GO!!!

Meaghan said...

Dear Stewie-

What do cats like most that makes their poo smell so bad? How can this be avoided? Would you be willing to eat baking soda to keep the stink down?
Also, do you kittens like to watch Jeopardy or Wheel of Fortune?
Also, what color to grey cats turn when they get old?
Also, when humans Meow back at you, do you know what we are saying?

Thanks,
M

STEWIE ANSWER!!! YAY!!!!!!! Okay, Meaghan Lady, Dis the deal. You know Stewie. O YEAH, INNERNET, Meaghan lady know Stewie, Meaghan Lady Stewie's HOOMAN BEAN FRIEND. So Meaghan Lady has Alzheimer's kitty, WHOA BOY, and so she ask Stewie lot of question. They silly question, though, so Stewie wonder if maybe Meaghan Lady has been drinking.

ANSWERS!!!! Cats love to POOP and SHARE. Share stinky! Stewie do this by pooping on FLOOR. Meaghan Lady's Alzheimers Kitty do dis by hitching butt out of box. That GREAT idea. Stewie very proud of Mac. Stewie use real name of Mac cause he tired of typing "Alzheimer's Kitty" but you get idea. Kitty do this cause kitty like to share. Also? We BAD. Bad as the day is long, HAHAHHAHA! So Stewie think Meaghan Lady maybe get scented lace hanky or maybe gas mask, cause baking soda not help. Stewie mama try dat, we don't eat. Dat YUCKY!

STEWIE NO WATCH GAME SHOW! Game show make Stewie BORED cause Stewie feel dumb as box of hammers when he don't know answer. Stewie prefer FOOD NETWORK, YAY!!! Cause there little better than Foods and TV smooshed together, Stewie tell you dat for free.

What color gray cat turn? STEWIE DON'T KNOW!!!! Maybe green? Green like CAT GRASS, NOM NOM NOM ohhhhh Stewie love to eat cat grass, and dirt in pot, and maybe pot itself! Not dat Stewie did dat already. Shh, is seckrit.

Last question! Mama only Mow mow mow when WE mow mow mow which CLEARLY mean "put food in food place or Stewie eat book again." Mama talk to us like human baby. Which we understand entirely, but we a little embarrassed, cause Mama sound like fool. Stewie mean, honestly, I not beeeyoutiful angel baby, ME CAT!!! Dat mama. She crazytown.

SO DAT IT!!! Stewie all done, yay!!!! And Stewie think all peeples should go to MEAGHAN LADY WEBSITE!!!  She review stuff, she SO SMART, NOT LIKE STEWIE.

More Stewie tomorrow, YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!

Okay, nap time! You go take nap too, you good human bean.

LOVE, STEWIE!!!!!!!!!


 

Ask Stewie Starring Stewie Part the Second!

MAMA.
Yes, Stewie.
MAMA. Time for more Ask Stewie. Here, I type.
No, I think I've got it, Stewie. You dictate, I'll type.
WHAT DAT MEAN DICTATE.
Answer the question, Stewie.
OKAY, YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!

from the desk (and conscience) of Linley said...

Dear Stewart,

How can we get our people to stop disappearing for days at a time?

Cordially,

Charlotte von Poopstein and Enzo Christ, Pooperstar

STEWIE ANSWER!!!!! Okay, you two poops have a lot of poops in your names. Maybe if you didn't POOOOOOOOOP all the days and into the nights, your peeples would stay home more!

WAIT MINUTE.

Is this letter from dogs? Is this a DOG LETTER?? Sneaky doggies. OKAY. Stewie answer, even though you still stinky poopy doggies.

Stewart?

MAAAAAAAAAMA! Stewie writing!

Stewart, please stop talking about poop. It's uncouth.

SEE DOGGIES?!?!!?!? You got Stewie in TROUBLE. Okay, okay, I answer question. Dis what you do to keep human beans home with you. Ready? You act SO EXTRA CUTE when they home, you give lots of snuggles and snorgles and wag your dog tails and do whatever it is that makes dogs cute. Eat bone. Fetch slipper. Do cute thing. And then? When they go away? BE BAD. Be so bad, they never leave again. Ruin EVERYTHING. Eat your daddy's bike. Eat your mommy's sneaker. Be the baddest doggies in whole lands and seas. Then your mama and daddy NEVER LEAVE AGAIN cause they scared that you learn how to burn down house. Problem solved!!!!!

OKAY DOGGIES, THAT IT! Stewie solve all your problem, even though you doggies. See how Stewie so full of LOVE and GIVING? Like Mother Teresa, THAT'S STEWIE!!!

OKAYBYE! Stewie be back next weekend for MOAR ASK STEWIE! YAY!!!!!

Ask Stewie Starring Stewie Part The First!

Welcome to Ask Stewie Starring Stewie!!!! The doctor is IN!!! In your closet, eating your SHOES, YAAAAAAAY!!!! Okay, Okay, we have question. Stewie ANSWER question cause he SO SMART. Okay, ready?

Mama Dawg said...

How do I get my blind cat to quit stepping in the water bowl? I've had him for 12 years and he's just started this. Is it senility? Or is he messing with my head?

Stewie ANSWER! : Okay, you have Alzheimer's kitty. THAT OKAY! Kitties get old, it SAD but true. Alzheimer's kitty sometimes FORGET. Stewie forget too. Also kitty BLIND, OH NOES! You very good mama, even though you say you MamaDAWG not MamaCAT like you should. Maybe Alzheimer's kitty mad cause you not name yourself MamaALZHEIMERSKITTY! Anyway.

Stewie think Alzheimer's kitty don't care. Kitties don't LIKE water, OH NOES, so if kitty is stepping in water place then kitty doesn't care or FORGOT about not liking water. Sometimes Stewie forget he doesn't like water and he get in shower after Mama got water ALL OVER HER, and he lick her clean cause water BAD. Stewie like HELPING.

So Alzheimer's kitty don't care, or forgot or MAYBE water place moved? Even a little? Cause Mama know where everything is JUST RIGHT so when she don't have glasses on, she remember, cause she BLIND AS BAT, HAHAHAHHA.

Alzheimers Kitty have many reason to step in water place. All things possible. Why it drive you crazytown? It only water. Even though Stewie think any kitty LOONEY TOON to step in water place. But probably real answer? Kitty cats like driving humans crazy. Alzheimer's kitty probably laughing at you RIGHT NOW, HAHHHAHAHA.

Kitties sometimes mean.

Okay, Stewie answer question!!! More laters, cause Stewie LOVE dropping KNOWLEDGE on peeples. Good luck with Alzheimer's Cat, MamaDawg, or should Stewie call you MAMAKITTYYAAAAAY!!!!

LOVE STEWIE!!!!!