Inverse Candlelight

That's How We Do It In The K-I-T-C-H-E-N, Bitches!

Y'all? I am so mean to poor Snarky Amber. So mean! She tries so hard to help me eat like a grownup, and all I do is cut and paste IM conversations about it, conversations that do not show her IMPECCABLE grammar and spelling, which, dudes. Impeccable. I needed spellcheck for that. Anyway.

Snarky Amber is my homegirl, and sent me this after my last post about not having anything in my cabinets but snack cakes:

Ha. Ha. Ha.

BUT! This book RULES!!! It really DOES teach you all the embarrassing things about cooking that you totally pretended you knew but didn't, y'all? Not only do I now know how to boil an egg, but THERE'S A DIAGRAM!!!!! I'm so excited.

So I was feeling all fancy, and decided I was gonna use the stuff that the Professor flung into the grocery cart while grumbling about chicken nuggets being from the devil  so kindly procured for me and I got some RICE (wow!) and some LENTILS (hot damn!) and some VEGETABLES (not even from a can!) and...hold on to your asses...MADE DINNER. Witness!!!

I can do this! Where's the fire extinguisher?

TWO FOOD HOLDERS. AND FIRE. HOLY HOPPING SHIT, PEOPLE, GET ME THE NOBEL PRIZE.

Y'all? I made rice. And the house didn't burn down. CALL THE NEWS.

I sauteed, people. And IMPROVISED. Did you think those zucchini and tomatoes were in the recipe? THEY WERE NOT.

PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH. YUMMY IN YOUR TUMMY.

Sniff. My baby. My delicious, delicious baby. Oh! Make the rice n' lentils with corriander, instead of allspice. I do not want my rice to taste like pie.

Mmm. Pie.

So there you have it! I cooked! So thanks for the book, my beloved Snarky Amber, and thanks for the ingredients and spices, my darling Professor!

I can't believe I didn't end up in the emergency room. Seriously, people. This is a red-letter day.

The Great Food Cleansing, Or, I Blame Amber and The Prof

I've spoken before about my eating habits. And I say "habits" because my food intake is not not unlike that of a stoner, what with the delicious snack cakes and the Red Bull and the stinky pretzel bits and chicken nuggets, and shit, I'm getting hungry again. But lately I've been feeling like crap, and conversations such as these do not help.

Snarky Amber: It is inconceivable that a voting adult eats the way you do. You must learn to cook.
Me: I cook! I MICROWAVE.
Amber: You need real food. Real food for grown-ups.
Me: I shan't be doing that. I am not a grown-up.
Amber: Yes you are.
Me: No I'm nooooooooooooot! I'm gonna go watch cartoons now.
Amber: Pitiful.

But the Professor is even worse.

The Prof: You blogged about snack cakes again.
Me: NO, I blogged about DELICIOUS snack cakes.
The Prof: When I visit, I'm bringing groceries.
Me: Ooooh! I like buffalo style cheeken nuggets and Zebra Cakes.
The Prof: NO. I'm bringing you spices.
Me: What in the name of Merlin's pants am I going to do with spices?
The Prof: COOK. COOK LIKE A GROWNUP.
Me: Bring Like cheesy rice?
The Prof: NO MORE CHEESY RICE.
Me: You're teetering on crazy talk, man.
The Prof: *slams head against desk*

So OK FINE. I'm really starting to feel like crap, I admit it. I'm full of processed meats and refined sugar and I feel like hell. So I started thinking of easy fixes, because I also am lazy and perhaps need a caregiver.

Me: A FAST. I will do a fast.
The Internet: BAD IDEA.
Me: Why a bad idea?
The Internet: Your body can't handle a fast. Just eat like a DAMN BIG GIRL.
Me: But I don't know hoooooooooooooow!

So I'm taking the first logical step. No more refined sugar. For a WHOLE WEEK, PEOPLE. This is huge. Huge like the Great Wall of China! You can see it from space, you know. That's how huge this is. So! No more delicious snack cakes for a WHOLE WEEK. No more ice cream, no more candy. Oh my god, no more candy. This is harder than getting sober, y'all.

SO MY POINT IS!!!! If I start getting, oooooooh I don't know, a little CRABBY on the blog? You know why. My brain and tummy are screaming "JUST ONE PIXY STIK!!!" and I'm crying. On the inside. And the outside. Weeping all around.

It's just for a week. I can do this.

Sob.

These? WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW.

Miss Banshee: YOUR Iron Chef!

Today on Iron Chef, the secret ingredient is CRAP THAT IS IN MISS BANSHEE'S FRIDGE! Let's get back to the action, shall we? Miss Banshee is up against Iron Chef Bobby "I suck like an Electrolux" Flay, and had this to say:

Miss Banshee: I can't believe I have to be up against goddamn B Flay. I HATE B Flay! I'm gonna tear him a new one, Chairman, and he can shove his squeezy bottles of jalepeno sauce right up it. God I hate him.

B Flay: Miss Banshee couldn't cook her way out of a pastry bag. I've got this one wrapped up. Oh? Yeah, I suck. I'm a terrible human being. Suck it, haters!

Miss Banshee: Okay, let's get to my first course. For you, I have a cup of coffee, no, sorry, a VAT of coffee with vanilla soy milk. To make it fancy, right? You should drink all of this right away, I wouldn't want you to have to take a nap in the middle of the battle. Here, I'll join you.

B Flay: I have some enchiladas with a squeezy bottle sauce. And a jalepeno. I'm creative!

Miss Banshee: For my second course, I have microwaved some pre-made chicken with taco sauce and cheese. I also have ANOTHER cup of coffee and a Parliament Light cigarette. These should be drunk and smoked simultaneously. Why, you're WELCOME. You're so nice, judges.

B Flay: I have a corn tortilla with some squeezy bottle stuff. And a shot of tequila. BOOYAH, Banshee! 

Miss Banshee: Well played, B Flay. Too bad I will have to destroy you. Now, for the third course, I have another cup of coffee and  my Nom Nom Nom Bean Thing, which I was gracious enough to share with the interwebs. Um, I hope you're not kissing anyone tonight. Just sayin. This is a meal that is best eaten alone. On the side, we have some stinky pretzel bits, and a Twinkie. Please enjoy!

B Flay: I have a taco. With squeezy bottle sauce.

Miss Banshee: Sucker. For our fourth course, we have the leftover mac and cheese I pilfered from my parents' house. I know, right? So good, and FREE! On the side we have another cup of coffee and a bag of salad with Greek dressing and goat cheese. You'll note that the salad is still in the bag, which makes for easy clean up. I call it "Miss Banshee's Lazy Salad In A Bag." You're WELCOME! 

B Flay: I have a corn chip with some squeezy bottle sauce and another shot of tequila. But this one's mine. 

Miss Banshee: And for our dessert course, we have some Ben and Jerry's right out of the container, another cup of coffee, and a Parliament Light. Aw, you're so sweet! I know, I know, it's awesome. 

B Flay: I have some salmon ice cream, and another shot of tequila for me.

Chairman: And the winner IS!!!! MISS BANSHEE!!!! 

B Flay: *sobs into his tequila*

Miss Banshee: *does a dance of victory and throws glitter at the judges*

Chairman: Tune in next week when Miss Banshee will eat gazpatcho for a week and then wonder why she lives on Tums and Pepto! 

She Cooks, Too!

Here's a fun fact! I actually cook! Not very often, because cooking for one is kind of labor intensive for small results, and let's face it, kind of depressing, and also? I'm lazy. But I CAN cook! I was tooling around in the kitchen one day, and remembered (sort of) a recipe for a Cannellini bean salad/bruschetta thingie that my parents had at a restaurant. I delved through my pantry, and this is what I came up with. Then I patted myself on the back, and DEVOURED IT. It's kind of a "do it to taste" recipe, so experiment and taste often along the way. Please to enjoy!

Miss Banshee's Bean Thingie That Makes You Go NOM NOM NOM

2 cans Cannellini beans drained but not rinsed
1 can diced tomatoes with basil and garlic
Pitted and sliced Kalamata olives
onion to your liking
garlic to your liking
oregano few pinches will do fine
4 tablespoons Kalamata brine

I use dried onion and just give it a bunch of very healthy shakes (fresh onion would obvs be better), then add as needed to taste, and two cloves of garlic should be fine, depending on if you're planning on kissing anyone that night. Few shakes of oregano, mix all together, put in fridge overnight, and EAT. Put it in your BELLY. Stuff it in your FACE. So good! And if you so choose? Toast up some Italian bread and use it as bruschetta. YOM! So good! So easy!!!

EAT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!