Inverse Candlelight

5:10 AM

*lick lick lick lick lick*

What the fu....

*tap tap tap tap tap*

DUDE.

*lick lick lick lick*

It's FIVE O'CLOCK IN THE GODDAMN MORNING.

*lick lick lick lick lick*

You have GOT to be kidding me.

*tap tap tap tap tap*

You need a manicure, little girl.

*TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP*

Seriously? Seriously.

*TAPTAPTAPTAPTAP*

OKAY I'M UP. What the fuck do you WANT?!??????

*trot trot trot trot trot* Mow.

What, the food bowl?

MOW.

There's food in the bowl.

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW.

Okay, I'll mix it up. There. Fancy new food.

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW.

Dude. Seriously.

*walks off, pissed.*

My ass is going back to bed.

Mow?

MOTHERFUCKER. 

Mow? Mow. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Okay! I'm dumping the food and putting new food in.

*giggles* Mow.

I hate you.

Mow.

I SERIOUSLY HATE YOU.

Mow.

*chomping*

You realize the sun isn't even up.

*smug* Mow.

I HATE YOU.

Mow.

Oh look, Ronco knives paid programming!

*dissolves, laughing*

I hate you. 

A Message From Lulu

Hello, pathetic humans. It is I, Lulu. Look deeply into my eyes and relax. That's it. Your will is now in my hands. Isn't that easier than thinking for yourselves? Of course it is. Now, aren't I pretty? The answer is yes, of course. The humans agree and no one gets hurt. 

I am here to clear my name, as I have been reading the human female's tweets and Facebook updates, and I have found that she has been so bold as to incriminate me, Lulu. This of course is shameful, these blatant lies. So I have taken it upon myself to tell you what's been going on around here instead of entrusting your simple, soft human minds to the human female.

She can't be trusted. But you trust Lulu, don't you? Of course you do.

So what is the human female lying about? WELL. She stated on a friend's status update that I, Lulu, jammed a claw into her face the other day while patting her cheek. Patting her cheek! Like I'm some desperate slut looking for attention and head scritches! Obviously this is a LIE. I was NOT looking for head scritches, I was SLAPPING HER across the face because she was eleven minutes late in feeding me! And if she's so lazy that she neglected my manicure/pedicure and I hooked a razor sharp claw into her face? Well I can't be blamed. I am but an innocent bystander.

She also has neglected to inform you that I do the same thing to her when she attempts to slumber away in the mornings. Listen, human. I am up bright and early with the sun in the mornings, and I expect to be fed and complimented IMMEDIATELY. No, I don't care that it's only 5 AM. I sleep for 20 hours a day, you will sleep according to MY schedule, and awake when I insist on it. 

They're not LOVE PATS. They are backhanded SLAPS. It's the only way the human learns. 

Lest you think I am an unforgiving mistress, when I am properly cared for, fed, and complimented, I will deign to sleep next to the human female while she writes. I will be near the human out of the kindness of my heart! I am so kind! So GENEROUS. 

And if that wretched wench tells you that I snore like an outboard motor, I'll steal her breath in her sleep.

That's enough for you from me, Lulu. Carry on, and behave in a way that is proper and to the benefit of me, your lord and mistress.

PS: I don't snore.

PPS: Or give cheek pats.

PPPS: I hate you. Stop laughing.

Lulu

When You Care Enough To Send The STEWIE

Internet PEEPLES! It is ME, STEWIE! Did you forget about ME? Or have you been weeping and wailing into your hankies and saying "Where oh where is STEWIE a day without him is like the day without SUNSHINE!" Because that's what Stewie is, peeples. A ray of sunshine on a cloudy day.

STEWIE SHOULD BE ON GREETING CARDS! This fantastical idea. So you have event in hooman bean life, yes? And other hooman bean get you a CARD. And on this card is ME, STEWIE! And you open card and it has saying from Stewie. Maybe something like...

STEWIE HAPPY YOU HAVE BABY
But maybe next time you just get cat
Cats don't go to college.

STEWIE HAPPY IT YOUR BIRFDAY
Stewie don't think you look old at all
But Stewie doesn't have his glasses on

STEWIE HAPPY YOU GET MARRIED
Mama not married, though
So Stewie happy for you IN SEKRIT DON'T TELL

STEWIE SO HAPPY YOU BREAK UP WITH BOYFRIEND
Stewie wasn't going to say anything
But dat chump was holding you back

STEWIE CONGRATULATE YOU ON NEW JOB
Maybe now you make lots of money
And send Stewie some, cause Stewie's on the dole

Isn't this bestest idea ever!?! Hooman beans, we have discovered the best idea in whole world. Mama got to get Hallmark on the blower RIGHT NAO. So go outside and play, hooman beans, or you'll miss teh best part of the day!

OKAY BYE LOVE YOU SEND OLIVES!

STEWIE!!!!!!

Cat-Sitting The Devil

Me: *thinking* Well, this will be easy. Easy peasy. Go to my neighbor's twice a day for the week and feed her cat. No problem! I happen to feed cats every day in my own home! This is the easiest job in all the lands and seas. Here we go.

Alexander the Great: *SCOWLS*

Me: That's...interesting. Aren't you a pretty cat? You just look so...mean. Why do you look so mean?

Alexander the Great: *PUNCH*

Me: HEY! That was my ankle! *scurries away from cat* I see, you're not such a nice kitty, that's fine, I'm only here for a minute, let me just fix your dinner and scoop your box and I'll be on my way.

Alexander the Great: *stares*

Me: You're making me a little bit nervous, cat.

Alexander the Great: *stares, licks chops*

Me: Oh Em Gee, you're fixin' to bite me, aren't you. You are sitting there, PLOTTING to bite me, aren't you! Listen, Mr. Cat, I know you're a fancy Persian cat and I just have strays, but that does not give you the right to BITE ME, I am but a simple pet-sitter, and look! I did your dinner all fancy like your mama told me to, and your box is spic and span, and there will be no biting on my watch, got it?

Alexander the Great: *stares*

Me: I am SO OUT OF HERE. *flees*

So that's the excitement for the upcoming week, kids. This cat does not like me, and that's just tough tatas, cause we're going to get nice and friendly over the next week, whether he likes it or not. It's the way of the world, Mr. Cat, and so help me, if I need rabies shots because of that little bastard, there will be HELL TO PAY.

Stay tuned to see if my ankles survive the week!

Rise, Ya Bastards! RISE!

Me: Wah. It's hot. I'm sweaty. My legs are sweaty, my back is sweaty, ew, my sweat is sweaty!

Cats: *sprawled motionless on floor*

Me: He...llo? Cats? CATS!!! ARE YOU DEAD? DO YOU NEED FIRST AID???

Cats: *stretch, roll over, lie motionless*

Me: Helloooooooooo? Nothing, huh? Too hot to fight? Too hot to eat? How about I put some ice in the bowl, would you like that, mommy's wittle precious angel babies? Hmmmm? OI! CATS!!! Do you LIVE???

Lulu: *opens one eye microscopically, shows a little fang, goes back to sleep*

Stewart: *rolls onto his back, arms and legs akimbo*

Me: I'm bored. I'm bored, cats! So it is time for you to rise up and entertain me! Rise up! Riiiiiiiiiiise.

Cats *faintly snore*

Me: You're missing the best part of the day! C'mon, who wants another popsicle? I know I do! Let's go to the kitchen!

Cats: *flick tails lazily*

Me: Okay, let's play this game. What will make you LEAP up and entertain me? Is it a secret word? Okay, okay, I'm good at this. Kitchen! Food! Bowl! Ice cream! Green olives! Salad dressing!

Cats: *sigh*

Me: Kibble? Popsicle? Leftover bean salad? What, you guys wanna go smoke or something?

Cats: *do not move, not even microscopically*

Me: *cautiously nudges cat with toe*

Stewart: *jiggles*

Me: You need a diet, boy. I almost lost a toe in that blubber.

Cats: *nothing*

Me: *hands on hips, surveying the scene like a CSI unit* It's like the last act of Hamlet with all the bodies strewn around here.

Cats: *crickets chirp, a tumbleweed drifts*

Me: That Hamlet line was my best material, dudes. Nothing? Fine, I'm going to bed. If y'all are gonna nap, so am I.

Cats: *dream of ice cream and salad dressing*

Me: *dreams of central air conditioning*

Reinforcements

Yes, yes, yes, it is I, Lulu, here with the idiot fat one, and we are stepping in for the human female today. You see, the human female's mood took a turn for the worse today, and I caught her writing a several-hundred page missive about betrayal and loss and embracing inner rage, and I said "Excuse me, human female, but this simply cannot do. No one wants to read your psychotic ramblings, so why don't you go watch some Harry Potter movies and let Lulu take care of the blog, okay? Because seriously, you've gone off the deep end, and anyway, who knows more about inner rage than ME? I will write. You suck your thumb and watch your movie. There's a good human female."

Of course this also means I am in charge of...Oh fine, here, say hi, Stewart.

HI HI HI HAI HOOMAN BEANS! Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! It's ME, STEWIE!!! Okay Lulubelle Lulybells LuluSMELLS, what are we writing today? What are we going to tell the hooman beans? Are we going to tell them about all the gross things I do all the days and into the nights? Like when I -

NO. No, we're going to do nothing of the sort. We're going to talk about absolutely anything but that. Let us talk of the issues we're having at night, shall we? About this whole "family bed" thing we've been roped into? About how the human female has been, shall we say, emotionally delicate as of late, and that she herds us like CATTLE into the bedroom at night and heaves us onto the bed, prattling on about how "Mommy's tiny little angels are going to sleep with MOMMY tonight, yes they ARE" and all other sorts of drivel? Let's talk about that.

Lulu. You LYING. You lie like a big LYING THING!!! You LOVES sleeping in the big bed with Mama! You so full of lies, your whole face gonna fall off from telling LIES. Lies and kibble, that's all you're full of.

Beans. We LOVE the beeeeeg bed and sleeping with the mama. It's so comfy! Specially cause we streeeeeeeetch out all over the end of the bed so we like SLINKIES and then Mama has to have her big body pillow that she latches onto like a spider monkey, so the bed is PRETTY FULL, HAHAHAHAHA, and we always start out with enough room but Lulu and Stewie GROW LIKE BLOB during night and Mama get all twisted around big pillow and covers and somehow always end up falling out of big bed, WHOOPS!

Stewie and Lulee never fall out of bed. That cause we take up all middle part, where it's BEST. Mama can have edges. She like them. Edges like crust of peanut butter and jelly sammich. Kids don't like, give to Mamas. IT'S A RULE I JUST MADE UP HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAH!

That's it. No more from him. How did we get from sleeping arrangements to peanut butter sandwiches? This is what happens when you let that dolt do the writing.

So yes, the sleeping arrangements have worked out pretty splendidly for the feline contingent of the household, although the Human Female keeps grumbling about how one of these days she's going to accidentally hang herself with her iPod headphones and it would be nice to have more than a kleenex sized portion of the sheet and blah blah I don't listen to her, you get the idea.

So if you humans were concerned about the sleeping arrangements in the house, don't be. I, Lulu, am quite comfortable and get at least 20 hours of solid sleep in per day, and I get all the room in the big bed that I require due to my gorgeous Rubenesque figure. The idiot one is fine too, in the sleeping department. Everyone is fine except for the human female, who has three limbs off the bed as of now, and if you'll excuse me, I'm going to watch the inevitable fall. And laugh. Because that's what I do, bitches.

Say goodbye, Stewart.

GOODBYE STEWART!!!!!

Till next time, humans, I remain,
Lulu

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!

STEWIE HERE, PEEPLES!!!

Peeples! Persons! Peepers! Peepee!!!! It's ME STEWIE, and I am BACK writing BLOG THING! Did you miss Stewie? Did you cry so many tears of grief and woe? Stewie understand. It's hard not having Stewie around to tell you what's what and who's who and GUESS WHAT I DID ON THE BATHMAT!!!!

(If you guessed pewped, you RIGHT and you get gold star.)

Hooman beans. Stewie has been SO bad lately. So bad! Badder than a big bad thing. Stewie's delicate tummy has caused MUCHO PROBLEMO lately, and that's all I have to say about THAT, cause Mama yelling for Stewie not to be uncouth.

So Stewie here cause you know what yesterday was? It was MAMA BIRTHDAY! She old. Beans, she SO OLD NOW. 32! Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirty twooooooooooooo. DAT'S OLD! Lulasmell and I get her a walker and some Metamucil and subscription to AARP NEWSLETTER HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHHA. Anyway, Mama have birthday and innernet peeples SO NICE to Mama, send her all sorts of nice messages. SO NICE! Mama get tear in eye, she love innernet peeples so much.

So what else happen lately? Not much, dat for sure! Oh! So Stewie was doing his big trick where he go rolling rolling rolling when Mama sing the rolling song, and it was sooooooooo fun and Mama was laughing cause Stewie too FAT to roll all the way over! Dat not so funny, Stewie think. Grr! Stewie GROWL at Mama! So anyway, Stewie was roooooooooooooooolling and then something terribly tragical happen. Stewie FALL OFF BED! WHOOPS!!!!! Rolling was too VIGOROUS and then KERPLUNK. Stewie think "Why Stewie on floor? Stewie was on SLEEP PLACE not WALKING PLACE! Then Stewie give himself little bath and then stroll off. Probably to break something or yakk. One of those.

OKAY BLOG OVER! Go out and play, my hooman beans, and Stewie talk to you soon! And Stewie apoloo- apaaalojize- oooppoopoolize- STEWIE SORRY, MR. PROFESSOR MAN! Mr Professor Man doesn't like when Stewie blog about thinks like poooooooopies. He think that gross. OH WELL, Stewie gotta be me, AM I RIGHT!!!?!?!

KISSES AND BITES!
STEWIE!!!!!!!

Unstuck

Oh my precious little squirrels. How terrible I've been, not updating for fourteen million years! I don't really have any excuses, other than I've had wicked writer's block and my question mark key hasn't been working. Lame? Yes. But it's working again, see? ??????????????????? Awesome.

Anyway.

Let us speak of Lulu, who, as you may recall, is a whore and a slut when it comes to men, and things have not changed, even though she looks more and more like Jabba the Hutt every day.

She, to no one's shock whatsoever, loves the Prof, and when the cable guy was here the other day...well, let me act this out for you.

Cable Guy, hunched over cable box, fiddling with wires: So, here's the new box, and...what the...
Lulu: *headbutt*
Cable Guy: She's friendly!
Me: She's a whore.
Cable Guy: What?
Me: She's a filthy tramp.
Lulu: *rolls onto her back, bats Cable Guy with a paw*
Cable Guy: Aw.
Me: Don't be fooled. She's like this with all men.
Lulu: Prrrrrrr.
Me: See that? She's PURRING. She's PLAYING. She's not sitting on the chair, SCOWLING, which is what she does every day for eleventy hours a day when she's not YELLING for food. She doesn't even bite, she SNEERS. But YOU, Cable Guy, are a MAN, and therefore she LOVES you, because she is a filthy TROLLOP.
Cable Guy: We...We're still talking about the cat, right?
Lulu: *snuggles Cable Guy's BUTT, for chrissakes* Mow. Moooooooow.
Me: See! The Whore of Babylon! You should see her with my boyfriend, it's OBSCENE.
Cable Guy: Okay! All done! Sign here please, PLEASE, and we'll be all done.
Lulu: *winds around Cable Guy's feet* Prrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Me: Want her? Take her. Get married in Vegas. Mrs. Lulu Cable Guy. It has a ring to it.
Cable Guy: OKAY, BYE!
Me: I hope you are satisfied, missy. I hope you are satisfied.
Lulu: HISS.
Me: Slut.
Lulu: *bonks head on door, mewls for the Cable Guy.
Me: You ain't Juliet, fatty. He's not coming back.
Lulu: Mow? Mow? Mow? HISS. *stomps off*
Me: Tragedy for the ages.

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack, bitches!

Weeping With Exhaustion. But Stewie Isn't!

PEEPLES! PERSONS! HOOMAN BEANS!!!

It's ME, STEWIE!!!

Hooman Beans. Mama SO TIRED. She don't know what to do with self, she so tired from something called a "Play" dat she see so many peeples in their UNDERPANTS, like, WHOA. Dat because she a DRESSER but she don't put dresses on peeple, she put pants. So many PANTS! So Stewie here to make bloggy, YAY!

So you say "Stewie! Mama gone SO MUCH, whatever do you do with self when Mama away? And Stewie say this easy question. Stewie be BAD. SO BAD! Stewie find something when he playing on big sleeping place called EGG CARTON PAD which makes for more comfy sleep during fourteen minutes that Mama get to sleep. Stewie say "this so soft! This so comfy! BETTER EAT IT!!!! So Stewie make big holes in sleeping place. Wanna SEE!?????

Then what to do? Stewie tell you. HE BARF UP SLEEPING PLACE! No DUH! So Mama come home all sleepy and cranky and say "What dis under foot? DIS PUKEY! OH NOES!!!" Then she go to bed, and she say "What wrong with sleepy place? STEWIE EAT!!! Must! Kill! Cat!!!!"

Well dat not very nice, Stewie think.

But Mama don't kill Stewie. NO! Cause Stewie and Lulu-SMELL give her so many LOVES so many LOVES cause they miss Mama so much!

Don't look at me. I don't care at all.

WAIT MINNIT. Lulasmell LIE!! Lulu give SO MANY LOVES! Such a liar Lulu is.

ANYWAY!!! We so bad all the time! Mama CRY at so much bad we do when she away! But we do it out of LOVES. SO MANY LOVES!!!!

And barf. And poo. You know, the best way to give perfect gift.

Bloggy over! Go play!!!!!

A Guest Post From Lulu

Hello, humans. Lulu speaking. I have a few things to say about things that have been going on around here, and you are going to listen, because that is what the humans do. Or else they get the hose again. Understood? Good. On we go.

Of course we need to address the human situation around this place. I cannot tell you what I am forced to endure every day, because you will weep and rend your garments and tear out your hair at the horror, yes, humans, the horror of what I, Lulu, have to put up with in this madhouse. The human female with whom I live gives you a hint of the utter insanity that wreaks havoc here every day, but it is nothing compared to the truth. And let me tell you, I am FULL of truth. So here's an example.

The woman has begun talking to the computer. Now I have no problem with the computer, usually. It's quiet, other than when she is playing that wretched music, and it keeps the human female occupied, usually by letting her write in the voice of that horrid beast Stewart. And we know how entertaining THAT is.

Not at all, is the answer.

But lately, she's completely lost her mind, and has actually begun SPEAKING, out LOUD to the computer. And this is disturbing, because it doesn't take someone as intelligent as a cat to know that there are no real people in the computer. Yet, she persists. There is apparently something called "video chat" that allows humans to see and speak to each other over the interweb, and that? Is crazy. Haven't you human creatures evolved enough to see and speak to each other in PERSON? And don't give me that "Oh, we live far away from each other" crap. I don't even drive, and I've lived in 6 different states. Get in the damn car. 

So the human female speaks, out loud, to the computer, to a moving picture of a certain human we're calling "The Professor" because that is his occupation. This isn't hard, people. Try to keep up. So she spends HOURS talking at the little picture, and well...This is hard to say, but...Oh hell, whatever.

I'm a little jealous. Just a drop. So I seek REVENGE. I get right up to her head and SLAM my forehead into her face. Over and over I do this. And I make sure this Professor person can see me doing this, so he remembers who gets the attention in this little household. That's ME. I get the attention, not a little moving picture on the computer. So I bury my head in the human female's neck and writhe about, which yes, is a little undignified, but I am MARKING her so this Professor person doesn't get any funny ideas as to who the human female belongs to. The answer is ME. And the Professor says "oh how cute, the cat loves you soooooo much" but he is deluded. I am marking my human. It's like feline Lojack. I can trace her anywhere she goes now.

It's called "love" in human language, I am told, but I have no idea what that means, so I call a spade a spade and call it insurance. Insurance that Lulu will always come first. Always.

And if I catch this Professor person anywhere near my kibble, we'll have some serious problems. Oh yes. Yes we will.

That's all for now. Go do something human-y. This blog entry is done, and you're quite welcome. I know you've enjoyed it. Of course you have.

Your lord and master,
Lulu