I wrote the following article a few years ago for MamaPop, and wanted to repost it for The Scotsman, who was sitting in a Starbucks yesterday and was befuddled as to why all the women, save one, had short hair, and all the hipster dudes had beards. He wanted 1000 words on it by today, and that, my friends, counts as a dare, and we ALL KNOW I can't resist a dare. But I'm going to cheat a little by including the article, because I still stand by it, and it's full of feminist rhetoric, which will make The Scotsman's head pop clean off his neck. I never said I was a nice person.
Oh, and the hipster beard thing? It's because those guys think it is ironic, which makes it NOT ironic, which makes them tools, and I'll kick them all with big boots, I sweartagod.
Enjoy the article, I'll be back at the end.
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Well, well, well. Ladies? I have a bombshell for you. Ready? Pixie haircuts are back in style! Yay! I’ve always loved the pixie, I’ve worn it several times, and have gotten more compliments on it than any other haircut I’ve sported. BUT! Don’t go skittering over to the salon just yet, missy. Because according to an article in the New York Daily News, "experts" say that cutting your hair will make men shun you! Shunned like the Amish! So go get that sassy new ‘do, but don’t expect to have sex ever again.
Wait. WHAT?
Hair is a huge symbol for women, and throughout history, long hair has been one of the primary sexual/feminine features. Cutting one’s hair is a horrible, hideous thing that should be saved only for the righteous (Joan of Arc) or in times of great strife. Remember in Little Women when Jo sold her hair so her mother could travel to see the wounded father? Or in the Gift of the Magi, when the wife sells her hair to pay for her husband’s watch chain, only for him to sell the watch to buy her combs for her hair? Cutting your hair is a sacrifice. Or is it a sign of a mental breakdown? We all remember when Britney Spears shaved her head, don’t we? She was CRAZY, right? Why else would she have done it?
But what if the opposite is true? What if cutting off your hair is a sign of strength, of power, of control and celebration of one’s sexuality and self-image? Could THAT be why a short cut could be shunned? Because it is a symbol of a woman bucking the system, of deciding what SHE thinks is beautiful? Or can it just be…a really cute and easy haircut? Does it have to mean anything at ALL?
As for destroying one’s chances of romance by whacking off those braids, I call bullshit. Plenty of guys, PLENTY of guys I know think short hair is sexy. And why wouldn’t they? Furthermore, since when should we be concerned that something as trivial as a haircut will ruin our chances at romance? Where do our personalities fit into this? Oh, I forgot. Men only look at the outside, and it has to be a very SPECIFIC KIND of outside. My mistake.
Here are some examples of what these "experts" are saying as they vilify the short haircut:
If you cut your hair you might be making a statement that says, I
don’t want to be seen as a sex object, says sex therapist Dr. Aline Zoldbrod, who agrees that men are usually more sexually attracted to women with longer hair.
The three physical things that attract a man are a great body,
beautiful long hair or great lips. So cutting off one third of your
beacons of attraction doesn’t increase your chances of having Mr. Right
approach you. It’s like sending a nonverbal message that you’re not
interested in sex, he (author of "Why Hasn’t He Called," Matt Titus) declares.
Mr. Titus, did you just compare a woman cutting her hair with cutting off part of her anatomy? And as for Dr. Zoldbrod, I think a woman confident enough to cut off all her hair is probably pretty sexually confident as well, and could very well be a TIGER in the bedroom, without all that hair getting tangled all over the place. And by the way, DOCTOR, what woman DOES want to be seen as a sex OBJECT? No woman I know.
Ladies? Do what YOU want with your hair. Grow it to the floor. Shave it all off. Color it, straighten it, curl it, twist it into dreadlocks or hold up a bun with a pencil. Be confident in who you are, and let tools like Matt Titus and Dr. Zoldbrod sit and spin. You’re beautiful just the way you are.
Winona Ryder. Rhianna. Victoria Beckham. Angela Bassett. Horrible! Hideous! Bereft of sexual appeal!
Girl, PLEASE.
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this post is dedicated to all you sexy ladies out there, with a special holla to my fellow "shorties"
bipolar. former drunk. humor writer. rabid monkey.
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