I Hate Christmas

Well, it's November, and that means we're tits-deep in Christmas commercials. I hate them. I hate Christmas. I hate everything about the holiday season, and that's a fact. Call me a Scrooge, whatever. I hate it all, and I'll tell you why.

I hate Christmas because....Because....I don't know. It always leads up to an expectation that is never fulfilled, and is SUPER DEPRESSING. And the MUSIC. It's enough to make a person stab themselves in the ear canal. Lemme 'splain.

Back in the day, I was a singer. That's all blown to shit now because my intubation when I was in the coma destroyed my voice, but before then, I was a singer. And LAWD did I sing. All the time! You couldn't shut me up for love or money. And because I was a singer, and went to an all girls Catholic school, I was in choir. And we sang. AH MAH GAH did we sing. We sang until the fucking cows came home. And boy oh boy, did we sing for Christmas. And that's when the hate took root.

You have to understand, when I was in Catholic school, I looked like this:

and I sang the songs. BECAUSE I WAS TERRIFIED. Terrified of what the nuns would do to me if I DIDN'T sing. Goddamn, look at my chicken legs. Pitiful.

So yes, I sang Christmas carols and never ever got anything I wanted for Christmas, because my mother is very practical, and would take me to the mall to get clothes and then HIDE THEM FROM ME and that was Christmas, the end. And I still looked like a deer in headlights.

So fast forward 20 years. I'm 32. I can't sing anymore. (Huge very very sad post about that DELETED) and now they're playing Christmas carols three hours after Halloween. And it gives me a twitch. Because I hate Christmas. I hate the buildup, like for some reason I'll get the Barbie Dream House this year even though I'm in my 30s, when in actuality, I'll get a sweater. Again. Christmas is a buildup that results in NOTHING. And I hate it.

Jeebus, this is the most depressing post ever. I'm sorry, I'll be back later to bring the funny. 

(I still hate Christmas)

Comments

[twitter.com/BaltimoreGal]

You are not alone. Although I never had cute little legs like that. And lost my singing voice around puberty (who knew it could happen to girls too?). But you get the drift.

[viewtiful_justin]

AH MAH GAH! I kind of hate Christmas, too...

[slackergirl]

Do you really want a Barbie Dream House(tm)? Because I'll get you one if you really want...

[Nadine]

Oh, Miss Banshee, I hate Christmas too! I stopped decorating for it years ago, but can't bring myself to get rid of the stuff!
I propose that we each put together lists of completely impractical toys and exchange them. You WILL get your Barbie Dream House, Dammit!
Love from The Minx.

[indycitygirl]

I cannot stand Christmas at all!! I have kids and have to force myself to decorate and shop for the kids I HATE IT!!! I am over the fucking caroling music already and what do i want for Christmas?A handful of frigging xanax so I dont go postal

[Michaelanon]

Christmas is for kids. I love it for that. I am so sorry you have bad feelings for it. You deserve better. I have seen that picture several times before and I love it. You started that and then never followed through. By the way, where is the chronicle of the hair growing out? I really wish you would let it grow and let it go natural. According to you , you have no life anyway so what would be the problem?

[A Vapid Blonde]

I don't mind christmas at all but the music...My holy hell...please let silent night just be silent already!

[Saul]

Here's some anti-Christmas goodies I created to send to my family :-) http://ihatechristmas.spreadshirt.co.uk/ These days if you are a grumpy Bah Humbug! type you can at least say so heh heh

[twitter.com/lisrock]

Hate Christmas, hate the music, went to catholic school (hated that too) have never sung in public but boy howdy i am RIGHT THERE WITH YOU.

[BetsyJ]

It isn't just you. Nobody ever gets what they want for Christmas.